This is a quote that I find myself constantly looking up, so I’m basically just putting it on my blog so I’ll be able to find it more easily in the future.
The Difference Between DnD and Exalted:
From “spatulalad,” on RPG.net:
D&D: “Okay, you enter the tavern and head to the bar. As you’re sipping some ale, you overhear some rough looking half-orcs talking dirty to the daughter of the guy in charge of the caravan you’re guarding. What do you do?”
Exalted: “Okay, you enter the city and kill off the current ruler and set yourselves up as the overlords. As you’re setting up court, your Night Caste reads the lips of a messenger a mile away and figures out that one of the Dragon-Blooded viziers is plotting with a demon lord of the Second Circle to eat the souls of the first born children of all people in your city and then use the ritual’s power to make a ten story First Age warmachine that shoots laserbeams from its eyes. Also, there are ninjas. What do you do?”
I found this somewhere, but I cannot remember where, and since Google is unable to find it now, I cannot attribute it. If you know who wrote it originally, please let me know. Also since Google is unable to find it, I feel the need to put it back on the Interwebz.
This is done in the style of The Very Secret Diaries of the Lord of the Rings characters, except it’s done as Selene from Underworld.
The Very Secret Diary of Selene
August 4, 1648
Woken from scrummy dream about ponies to discover strange man in my room wearing silly dress and covered in blood. Told me my family had been eaten by monsters and I should put on leather pants and go live with him forever. Agreed instantly.
Looking back, was a tad suspicious.
Aug 15, 1648
Viktor explained to me today about war with lichens. V strange for grown man to be afraid of fungus, but we all have problems.
Aug 16, 1648
Viktor explained not lichens but lycans. Lycans just like werewolves. Asked “So why not just call them werewolves?” Viktor: “Shut up.”
Aug 17, 1648
Today, Viktor explained that two hundred years ago, Kraven killed Lucius, leader of werewolves in great heroic victory that all but destroyed lycans. Huzzah!
Aug 18, 1648
Today Viktor said we have to hunt lycans to extinction. Asked him how long he’d been doing this. Said for centuries. Replied “Wow, you guys really suck at this hunting thing.” Viktor: “Shut up.”
Aug 19, 1648
Asked Viktor how come victory by Kraven so decisive if still hunting down lycans for centuries afterwards. Viktor v. cross, said it would all make sense if I read the sacred history books. Asked him where I could get one. Said they were forbidden to be read under pain of death, but may be checked out of the library by anybody. Viktor making bugger-all sense lately.
Sep 12, 1648
Today Viktor said I was officially a Death-Dealer. Presented me with new pair of leather pants in celebration. Asked him what title meant, apart from even saucier pants. Said I could now throw silver frisbees at the lycans. Gave me frisbees. Am now thinking Viktor complete freaking lunatic.
Jan 22, 1903.
Viktor went to hibernate for 200 years today. Gave him some moisturiser as skin gets awfully dry when sleeping for two centuries. Viktor said moisturiser girly; pointed out he is still wearing a dress. Do not need moisturiser myself as am easily hottest vampire in world with marble-like skin and hot black hair cut and rock hard butt. Go me!
Apart from tacky dress sense, Viktor so nice. Will miss him v much. Gave me endless pairs of leather pants, and was always walking behind me and checking that they fit properly. What did I do to deserve such kindness?
Jan 23, 1903,
Worried now. Viktor put Kraven in charge before going to sleep. Kraven almost as sexy as me. Plus now always hitting on me. Always thought Kraven was gay? If not gay, how the hell does he explain that haircut?
Jan 27, 2003
Still hunting werew- I mean lycans after over 300 years. V bored. Told fellow death-dealer Larry I felt like an obsolete weapon, discarded on the bones of a dying age. He said “stop being so goth”. Got revenge by asking him why he was taking photos of people we were just going to kill anyway. Larry: “Shut up.”
Jumped off clocktower and lived. Roxxorz. Man, that shit NEVER gets old.
Jan 28, 2003
Lycans got away thanks to tacky blue-glowing bullets. Took bullets to show Singe, who recently escaped from a Guy Ritchie film. Singe said the guns shoot UV light. I said “Why don’t they just use a torch?” Singe: “Shut up.”
Stormed off to tell Kraven about lycans but was not listening, too busy complaining about broken furniture. “Why can’t you just open a door like a normal person?” he asked. Hate Kraven. He’s just cranky because I interrupted his stupid thin-people only LARP convention.
Jan 29, 2003
Jesus fuck, does it ever stop raining in this town? Hair RUINED.
Also, found human lycans were hunting. Go me! Would fancy him, if I was a pervy human fancier, which I’m not.
Might have seen Lucius there, except Lucius dead for 600 years. V. confused. Solved problem himself by standing very still so I could run him over. Go me!
Took human back to my place. Left him untied and window unlocked and went to the library to read forbidden history. Later found out he escaped. Clearly, I underestimated his amazing powers.
Slightly confused by lack of plot, so woke Viktor up early. Will be v pissed, as just like alarm going off too early in morning, only multiplied a bajillion times. Ran away so he will yell at Kraven and not me. Hahaha Kraven in so much shit now.
Jan 30, 2003
Found human again – made v easy as he was right outside house. Drove across town to show him our cool fake blood. Then tied him up. Am so clever. Human said “take me with you”. Sounded like it made sense but needed to wash hair again, change leather pants, so said no. Drove back to house and told Viktor what I had done. Viktor still v. cranky, so not a morning person. Also, did not use moisturiser like I suggested. Moron. He said “Where is your proof?” Crap. Knew I forgot something. Drove back to get human, but lycans turned up. I killed them all, but accidentally pushed human out window during battle. So embarrassed.
Went back and to tell Viktor what I had done and get new quest. Viktor wearing dress again. V. fruity but better than ugly naked Michael Jackson look. Viktor said we had to kill human. Was a bit upset as have formed deep, abiding love for human in the thirty seconds of conversation we have had.
Went to lycan base. Kraven still hitting on me, so told him I was a lesbian. Got pissy and tried to kill me – typical man. Luckily, Lucius (still not dead) stopped him. Then Kraven told me Viktor killed my parents. V. shocked, but on reflection, explained a LOT. Bit miffed, so killed Viktor. Surprisingly easy as head made of tapioca pudding. If only had known, would have tried that years ago.
Human now blue in colour for some reason, perhaps to match cinematography. Blue v fashionable this year so we have decided to shack up. Cannot forsee any problems with this relationship at all. Except now has all my memories, so not able to lie about scorching crotch-rash from leather pants.
Whew. Finally through with convention season. Why is it that we so often need a vacation to recover from our vacations?
This year’s festivities were confounded somewhat by a database issue at work that I’m still dealing with now, to a lesser extent. Suffice to say, it was my fault, and is the biggest screwup I’ve ever made in my professional life, intensified by a perfect storm of other bad things happening. But, we’re mostly recovered from it, and mistakes are the best teachers.
So in this post, I’ll go over some of the fun times at GenCon.
This year involved more dicebagging, of course. Frank even set up a website for it… though he never approved my account and I’ve therefore been unable to load pictures. I also convinced Lydia to eat three hot peppers at Steak n’ Shake, for the low price of paying for her meal. I think you’ll agree that it was worth it. Or perhaps I’m just a sadist.
Along the lines of discussion, the question was asked, “What is the least compensation you would accept for macing yourself in the face?” Talking about the chemical here, not the medieval weapon. Initially the thought was, “Would you mace yourself in the face for X dollars? What about half that?” And so on. But it evolved into questions such as, “Would you mace yourself in the face to temporarily be changed into a member of the opposite sex for a day? What if part of that was that you’d be a poorly-endowed member of the opposite sex?” In this discussion, I learned that Lydia is secretly very blatantly a sexual misogynist.
The White Wolf party was a bit more strict this year, actually requiring invites at the door. But, as always, it was an open bar, and this time it was split into two sweat-drenched levels of fun. There was an impromptu photo shoot. Word to the wise: whenever someone says, out of the blue, “Are you ready?” the answer is, without fail, “Bring it ON!” Except envision that said in Brock Samson‘s voice in your head, then do your best impression of it. Suffice to say, I was made to remove my shirt and bite random goth chick’s neck. Pictures might or might not be forthcoming on the White Wolf website, depending on the laziness of the people involved in the photo shoot.
Note to self 2: stay away from drunken bisexual dudes. Next time, it will end in blood.
The after-party with the White Wolf folks was somewhat low-key, but we brought the DJ along for the hell of it anyway. Afterward I had to deal with a drunken bitch (drunk to the point where she literally couldn’t walk) who insisted that she was all right to drive not only herself, but a couple of other people who came with her, home. Sometimes I hate having to be the good guy. That one ended up being a couple hours of hassle, and me letting her stumble off to try and find her car. I thought about calling the cops to detain her, but honestly I don’t care that much.
I’ll keep the roleplaying stories to a minimum, since that’s only interesting to a select crowd (and also, I was only in two games this year). Dustin ran an Exalted LARP that was a continuation of games from previous years. My character was on trial for killing the person who was likely to become Empress. Part of the game was that each character was given a motivation/goal for each scene, and in the trial scene my character’s goal was to bed one of the members of a certain house/clan. Long story short, there was really only one option: the judge herself. I came a breath away from managing it, too. Note to self: follow instincts always, without question.
Dustin also ran a Seventh Sea game. This system, for those not in the know, is made of pure awesome. It’s a game set in Renaissance times, normally centered on piracy. It is epic to a sometimes-silly level, and has such rules as: your character can never die, and when you do something awesome, you get extra “drama dice” for it. The game itself involved undead sheep invading what was supposed to be a child’s birthday party, in a mansion. I think that just about sums it up.
Met some cool new people over the weekend (Michael, Christine, others whose names I forget), which is always fun. Drank a lot less than I expected. At the White Wolf party I was making a conscious effort not to drink myself into a stupor. Which, in hindsight, was a mistake — drink deeply or taste not, and all that. There was only a brief respite (or it felt brief, anyway) before it was time to go sprinting around in the woods in 95 degree weather while wearing plate mail armor and beating on people with padded weapons. More on that later, though.
I know I could have treated you better, and that sometimes I complained about you. I didn’t mean to be neglectful or abusive. I missed you so much when we were apart. I couldn’t do without what you gave to my life, so I ran around town with a hot newer model for a while. But it just wasn’t the same, and I was thinking of you the whole time. I love you. Let’s never be apart again, okay?
Seriously, I’m really glad to have my car back, and was pleasantly surprised to find that they gave it a minor detailing when they did the repairs. Which I will have done on a semi-regular basis now (detailing, not repairs). The Charger wasn’t nearly as fun as I’d hoped, though of course it wasn’t the model with the HEMI or anything remotely sporty. It did have satellite radio, which was cool because they had a techno station… but it also cut out all the time. Major no-no — rule #1 of music listening is Thou Shalt Not Interrupt The Groove.
In other news, my aunt seems to have found me on Facebook. After seeing my profile picture…
…she sent this message: “This is your Aunt Lynn let me know if you will add me to your facebook? P.S. What are you doing in that picture??? Uncle Bruce wants to know.” I’m not quite sure how I should answer this question. Though I will toss into consideration any hilarious suggestions that I receive.
Would you put a drink into your mouth called “Orangina?” Would it make you more or less likely to do so if lusty anthropomorphic creatures (remniscent of the work of Jeremy Bernal [questionably safe for work]) were involved in the advertisement? What if the commercial also involved a not-so-subtle reference to golden showers?
Bagwell originally pointed me toward the video game review series Zero Punctuation, and another friend brought it up again. Best game reviewer ever. Here is his review of Guitar Hero III.
Comments Off on Zero Punctuation: “It’s Like Cockslapping the Mona Lisa” | posted in Humor, Miscellaneous
Ajinbayo Akinsiku wants the world to know Jesus Christ, just not the gentle, blue-eyed Christ of old Hollywood movies and illustrated Bibles.
…
Mr. Akinsiku says his Son of God is “a samurai stranger who’s come to town, in silhouette,†here to shake things up in a new, much-abridged version of the Bible rooted in manga, the Japanese form of graphic novels.
Is anyone else reminded of Battle Pope, or Loaded Bible (wherein Jesus fights vampires, which of course reminds me of Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter — “The power of Christ impales you!”)? Or perhaps Xtreme Jesus:
Comments Off on The Bible as Graphic Novel, With a Samurai Stranger Called Christ | posted in Humor
