Dear Thieves: My Neighbors Will Fuck You Up
Today I am proud to call this neighborhood my home.
Image from Hal Bergman Photography
This morning I had to take Kayla to the veterinary surgeon for a follow-up. On my way home, Lauren calls me telling me someone knocked on the door, that she didn’t answer because she was still in bed, and then she heard some weird sounds. I was about 15 minutes from home at this point, so I told her I’d be right there. Thought maybe it was just some kids fucking around.
I pull into my subdivision to see 3 cop cars near my house, and some neighbors out in the cul de sac gathered with baseball bats. Apparently someone had tried to break into my house while I was gone. Two someones, in fact. But mine wasn’t the first house they went to. They had gone to my neighbor on the left before that, knocked on the door, and he said that when he answered they seemed surprised, then asked if he needed his lawn mowed. They obviously had no lawn mower, so he was suspicious. Then they came to my house, knocked on the door, and when no one answered, they went to the door attached to the garage and proceeded to attempt to kick it in.
I say “attempt” because they didn’t manage to get it open — it broke part of the frame but caught on the door jamb, since the frame was solid wood (as opposed to compressed wood, which most more recent houses use). Meanwhile, my neighbor Devon is calling the cops, and then coming out to ask the guys what the hell they’re doing, along with another neighbor from the other side of my house, who is wielding a baseball bat. The would-be thieves, predictably, get the hell out of dodge. Or try to.
Apparently, my neighborhood doesn’t take well to thieves, because my neighbors gave chase. Before long, several people in the neighborhood were attempting to corral these jerks, and within a couple of minutes the cops were there. Living within 2 miles of a police station has some benefits. The neighbors and cops coordinated, and the cops took the thieves into custody.
Yes, you read correctly. The police were called and actually caught the criminals. That never happens.
These fuckers are now behind bars. I will have to replace the door, but I was considering doing that anyway (it’s in a bad spot that gets a lot of moisture and was in crappy condition). Nothing was stolen, no one was hurt. I will be following up with the police to make sure that these bastards get what’s coming to them. You do not scare my girl, or fuck with my house. You certainly do not do both.
So, fair warning to all would-be thieves: choose another neighborhood. The only thing you will find here is epic fail.
Mike,
Keep all of your receipts as to how much you spent on repairing the door. Also, when the DA’s office sends you what is called an “Victim Impact Statement,” fill it out. Let them know how you feel about this situation, and how your woman felt about what happened. If you don’t, the ADA assigned to the case may not take the case seriously. Nevertheless, I anticipate that these clowns are looking at some prison time for what they did.
Daniel
Awesome, thanks for the pointers Daniel! I definitely plan to keep on this. And, amongst other things, send a thank you letter to the local sheriff’s office.
Okay I know this was forever ago and I just read it but I can picture this scene and 1. I SO wish that COPS was on that shit cause that would be hilarious. 2. If you were in Texas your neighbors would have guns and the perps would be dead and 3. You remind me why I need to make sure our alarm company is paid. They may do a shitty job but at least they overreact as opposed to underreact.