The Very Secret Diary of Selene
I found this somewhere, but I cannot remember where, and since Google is unable to find it now, I cannot attribute it. If you know who wrote it originally, please let me know. Also since Google is unable to find it, I feel the need to put it back on the Interwebz.
This is done in the style of The Very Secret Diaries of the Lord of the Rings characters, except it’s done as Selene from Underworld.
The Very Secret Diary of Selene
August 4, 1648
Woken from scrummy dream about ponies to discover strange man in my room wearing silly dress and covered in blood. Told me my family had been eaten by monsters and I should put on leather pants and go live with him forever. Agreed instantly.
Looking back, was a tad suspicious.
Aug 15, 1648
Viktor explained to me today about war with lichens. V strange for grown man to be afraid of fungus, but we all have problems.
Aug 16, 1648
Viktor explained not lichens but lycans. Lycans just like werewolves. Asked “So why not just call them werewolves?” Viktor: “Shut up.”
Aug 17, 1648
Today, Viktor explained that two hundred years ago, Kraven killed Lucius, leader of werewolves in great heroic victory that all but destroyed lycans. Huzzah!
Aug 18, 1648
Today Viktor said we have to hunt lycans to extinction. Asked him how long he’d been doing this. Said for centuries. Replied “Wow, you guys really suck at this hunting thing.” Viktor: “Shut up.”
Aug 19, 1648
Asked Viktor how come victory by Kraven so decisive if still hunting down lycans for centuries afterwards. Viktor v. cross, said it would all make sense if I read the sacred history books. Asked him where I could get one. Said they were forbidden to be read under pain of death, but may be checked out of the library by anybody. Viktor making bugger-all sense lately.
Sep 12, 1648
Today Viktor said I was officially a Death-Dealer. Presented me with new pair of leather pants in celebration. Asked him what title meant, apart from even saucier pants. Said I could now throw silver frisbees at the lycans. Gave me frisbees. Am now thinking Viktor complete freaking lunatic.
Jan 22, 1903.
Viktor went to hibernate for 200 years today. Gave him some moisturiser as skin gets awfully dry when sleeping for two centuries. Viktor said moisturiser girly; pointed out he is still wearing a dress. Do not need moisturiser myself as am easily hottest vampire in world with marble-like skin and hot black hair cut and rock hard butt. Go me!
Apart from tacky dress sense, Viktor so nice. Will miss him v much. Gave me endless pairs of leather pants, and was always walking behind me and checking that they fit properly. What did I do to deserve such kindness?
Jan 23, 1903,
Worried now. Viktor put Kraven in charge before going to sleep. Kraven almost as sexy as me. Plus now always hitting on me. Always thought Kraven was gay? If not gay, how the hell does he explain that haircut?
Jan 27, 2003
Still hunting werew- I mean lycans after over 300 years. V bored. Told fellow death-dealer Larry I felt like an obsolete weapon, discarded on the bones of a dying age. He said “stop being so goth”. Got revenge by asking him why he was taking photos of people we were just going to kill anyway. Larry: “Shut up.”
Jumped off clocktower and lived. Roxxorz. Man, that shit NEVER gets old.
Jan 28, 2003
Lycans got away thanks to tacky blue-glowing bullets. Took bullets to show Singe, who recently escaped from a Guy Ritchie film. Singe said the guns shoot UV light. I said “Why don’t they just use a torch?” Singe: “Shut up.”
Stormed off to tell Kraven about lycans but was not listening, too busy complaining about broken furniture. “Why can’t you just open a door like a normal person?” he asked. Hate Kraven. He’s just cranky because I interrupted his stupid thin-people only LARP convention.
Jan 29, 2003
Jesus fuck, does it ever stop raining in this town? Hair RUINED.
Also, found human lycans were hunting. Go me! Would fancy him, if I was a pervy human fancier, which I’m not.
Might have seen Lucius there, except Lucius dead for 600 years. V. confused. Solved problem himself by standing very still so I could run him over. Go me!
Took human back to my place. Left him untied and window unlocked and went to the library to read forbidden history. Later found out he escaped. Clearly, I underestimated his amazing powers.
Slightly confused by lack of plot, so woke Viktor up early. Will be v pissed, as just like alarm going off too early in morning, only multiplied a bajillion times. Ran away so he will yell at Kraven and not me. Hahaha Kraven in so much shit now.
Jan 30, 2003
Found human again – made v easy as he was right outside house. Drove across town to show him our cool fake blood. Then tied him up. Am so clever. Human said “take me with you”. Sounded like it made sense but needed to wash hair again, change leather pants, so said no. Drove back to house and told Viktor what I had done. Viktor still v. cranky, so not a morning person. Also, did not use moisturiser like I suggested. Moron. He said “Where is your proof?” Crap. Knew I forgot something. Drove back to get human, but lycans turned up. I killed them all, but accidentally pushed human out window during battle. So embarrassed.
Went back and to tell Viktor what I had done and get new quest. Viktor wearing dress again. V. fruity but better than ugly naked Michael Jackson look. Viktor said we had to kill human. Was a bit upset as have formed deep, abiding love for human in the thirty seconds of conversation we have had.
Went to lycan base. Kraven still hitting on me, so told him I was a lesbian. Got pissy and tried to kill me – typical man. Luckily, Lucius (still not dead) stopped him. Then Kraven told me Viktor killed my parents. V. shocked, but on reflection, explained a LOT. Bit miffed, so killed Viktor. Surprisingly easy as head made of tapioca pudding. If only had known, would have tried that years ago.
Human now blue in colour for some reason, perhaps to match cinematography. Blue v fashionable this year so we have decided to shack up. Cannot forsee any problems with this relationship at all. Except now has all my memories, so not able to lie about scorching crotch-rash from leather pants.
ROFLMAO!!
IIRC this was written by Steved (Steve Darlington) on RPG.net around 2004. Hilarious.