Real Friends
I’ve had a few discussions with people over the past few weeks concerning friendship. If a friend disagrees with you on something, does a “real friend” tell you, or do they keep their mouth shut? Or do they bite it down, and agree with whatever you’re saying?
Personally, I’ve always told friends when I disagree with something they say, or do. I don’t (or at least, try not to) do it in an in-your-face manner, but strongly enough to let them know that there might be another way of looking at things. Then again, I’ve always played the devil’s advocate — and not just after I played the part of Satan in a church play when I was 16. I hate the “yes-man” type of friend, who always agrees with you, and never challenges anything you do or say.
On the other hand, friends should always be supportive of one another, even if they don’t agree with each other. I guess it’s the same sort of mentality as, “I don’t support the war, but I support our troops.” That isn’t to say that if your friend is getting hooked on heroin, you should support that. Which I guess is another dimension — if you think a friend is doing something detrimental, how far do you go to try to stop them? At what point do you say, “It’s their life, and they’ve made their decision?”
03 Feb 2008 Mike
This is a really tough one, and something I’ve thought about a lot. It’s also something where I think men and women have somewhat different expectations. (Don’t studies show that men usually go to friends for advice, and women usually go for venting, or something?)
It’s worth noting, to start, that different people are affected by different approaches. A harsher but more honest way to say this would be that you have to take different approaches to manipulating different people. Is a given friend going to react well to being called out, or is it just going to discourage him? I like to think that I react well to being called out, even if I initially feel hurt or attacked; and I definitely get really mad if I discover that people have been judging me badly for something and not telling me. But with Mark, for instance … he’s really hard to deal with on this sort of thing, because if I’m blunt and aggressive he gets incredibly defensive and doesn’t do anything, and if I’m careful and kind then he brushes it off and doesn’t do anything. :shrug: So from a purely pragmatic point of view, sometimes it’s worth thinking: What will it gain if I disagree with this person? Will we have a fight? Will she be offended or hurt? Am I likely to sway her?
I have somewhat concluded that you can’t really “change” people (I’ve sort of given up on Mark, in case it wasn’t obvious :half-smile:). And they will resent you if you try. But what’s “change”? And what does the other person consider “change”?
I have also concluded that there are certain arenas that are just so touchy, it’s not even worth trying unless you’re positive that there’s a huge problem. Relationships are one of these. If a friend consistently bitches about a boyfriend, you don’t tell her to dump him. If you can think of advice on how to handle him or cope with the relationship, you give that (gently), but you never ever express dislike of him and never ever tell her to just end it. If you think there’s actual abuse going on, you might want to ask her about it and advise drastic action. If you know for a fact that he did something that’s a REALLY big deal (cheating is the usual example), then you tell her in as non-threatening a way as possible, and emphasize that you’re just trying to look out for her and that this knowledge is definite (”I saw it myself. I’m so sorry.”)
This isn’t exactly being a yes-man, I hope.
I suppose that’s true. I was looking at it more from the perspective of, “How does your inner moral compass (or whatever) tell you to deal with this sort of situation?” But in the end, I suppose what really matters is getting the friend out of harm’s way and using the approach that works best for that friend. Sometimes though, emotions get in the way and it’s tough to be so methodical.
I’ve also noticed that some people get pretty offended when their judgment is called into question — ironically, even more so when it’s something they seem to know they’re wrong on, but won’t admit.
Re: men and women, I’ve definitely noticed that anecdotally. My male friends come to me somewhat looking to vent, but mostly to bounce ideas off of me. My female friends come to me primarily to vent, and I have to consciously dampen the, “Tell them how I’d solve the issue,” reflex.
You can’t change people if they don’t want to change, that’s definitely true. Then there are cases of people wanting to change, but more to make you happy than because it’s a change they really want.